i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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