Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
