I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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