I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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