Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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