There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
