Umm I'm too high to move.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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