my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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