This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Randomize
