I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
