I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
