i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
