i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Holy sore nipples Batman
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
