4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
