My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
