things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
