Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
third nipple confirmed
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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