I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i out mim tonsoeep
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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