What did we do last night that was yellow?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
