i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
