I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So much Jack, so little girl.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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