I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
True strength comes from lack of pants
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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