I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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