Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
