M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
