What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
