omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
