3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
