i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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