I'm eating all of the evidence.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
