If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
