What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
