Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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