you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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