I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
