So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
