I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
