Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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