Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
