If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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