I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
