A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
