I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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