a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
