I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
