Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I AM VODKA MAN
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I think people are normalizing furries
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
