I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
