Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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