got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
