Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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